It wouldn’t be too much of a generalisation to say that I am lacking in confidence. That much is not far from the truth. At school, especially in my latter years, I lacked motivation to guide my life in any direction. I would much rather someone told me what I had to know, rather than take it upon myself to read around, and gain a deeper insight into the subject matter.
This is strange considering in other areas of my life I am a control freak. At home, when watching the TV as a family, I am the one in charge. The one with the remote. It has to be like that. I like to have the ability to pause and rewind at my freewill rather than asking someone else to do it for me.
When playing football I would much rather be the player with the ball at his feet, able to dictate the game, than to be any of his teammates. The same can be said when I play rugby as well. I like to be the one with control, the one prepared to take responsibility. A leader. But I would still like to think that I am the definition of a team player.
When I’m playing well I’m high in confidence, and I’m prepared to try anything, even an audacious chip through with my weak foot. Actions like these indicate confidence, arrogance even. In every day life I’m not like this at all.
My mind is ravaged with doubt, and I constantly question every thought and every action. I repeatedly play situations in my head until I think I know the best way to act. But even then I still get it wrong. I lack conviction.
I left school having passed my A-Levels but with no plan for the future. Six months down the line, I’m still none the wiser. I continue to drift along, waiting for Chance to take me by the hand. I know deep down that if I want change I will have to create it. That if I want to succeed I must find interest and motivation. But for now, I allow myself to continue to drift, all under the belief that sometimes it’s necessary to take a backseat for a while, to rest and reevaluate. After all, as Tim from ‘The Office’ once said, “It’s better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb than half way up one you don’t.” (Although he then proceeded to ignore his own advice, and take a promotion that kept him at his boring, mundane job!)
The most important step to date is the next, and I’m afraid to make it. Afraid to get it wrong. Afraid to fail. I would much rather stall, wait a while and hope the correct pathway presents itself.
As when you prepare to dive into a swimming pool, you know the water will be cold. But only at first. The initial shock subsides after a few seconds and all is well. It is the state of transition that fears you most.
‘Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.’ (Steve Maraboli)