‘I don’t know what I want to do with my life…’
September is a massive month for me this year. In times gone by, September would signify a return to school, and with it, its daily structure. Each year, I had a basic plan of what lay ahead of me in the following 10 months until I sat exams. Now, this time it’s different.
In June I broke up from school for the last time, having sat my final A-Level exam, and have enjoyed a fairly relaxed summer since. I haven’t achieved masses in the last few months, but the time has quickly passed by. Now it’s September. This means that everyone I have spent the last seven years with, day in day out, at school, is heading off to university for the first time. I, on the other hand, am most certainly not.
I can’t say for certain, but I doubt I’ll go to uni next year either. To even have a chance of that, I would definitely need to do a large number of re-sits. Don’t get me wrong, I know uni isn’t for everyone, but this is difficult for me to get to grips with at the moment. I have been brought up, by my school, with the mentality that a B at GCSE level was a failure and that if I didn’t get 10A* at GCSE and 4A* at A-Level (I didn’t achieve either) then I had dramatically under-performed. I know full well that this isn’t the case, but I can’t help but slip in to a state of mind built on this belief.
At my highly-elitist and competitive school, I was constantly being reminded to figure out what to do with my life, what career I would like and what unis I would apply to. I felt, and still feel, under huge amounts of pressure when I have no answers to their questions. The vast majority of my friends already have career plans in place; with many having already decided that they would be a doctor etc. years ago. My greatest fear is that I will just drift through life, and not achieve much.
I have a part-time job at the moment, which is keeping me busy. I’ve been working 25 hours each week recently, but it’s not what I want to do forever. But even on my days off, I don’t achieve much, other than inventing new ways to waste the time before work the next day. I guess the distractions and procrastination is just a way of avoiding the discomfort.
In two months’ time I will be 19 years old. And I don’t know what to do with my life.